I guess I've been hiding a lot lately. I have not been writing here or anywhere. I have decided to reveal more of who I am. There are days, I feel so weak, so tired that I am scared to go to sleep. I force myself to stay awake until dawn to prove that I have made it to another day. Another tomorrow. I don't have much to look forward to, but still I fight to survive in it.
Lately (and I don't know if this happens to everyone who is eternally ill), I have had this morbid feeling growing inside the pit of me. I have been trying to contact friends that I haven't seen in years that I hold dear and miss very much. I think some of the guys feel that it is a romantic pursuit. Really, I just want to hear another joke, have another beer or whatever comes our way. My romantic views have been limited to one man, even though I seek comfort with others at times. Seen as he is too conceited to realize that sometimes, just sometimes, what you have been given IS the best that there is. He is afraid that if he seizes it, it will slip through his fingers. What he doesn't realize is that letting it go is letting it slip through his fingers. But what can I say... He's a guy!
I have a hard time dating now-a-days. I've never been any good at it, but most men want to avoid the sick girl. I'm not even the kind of sick that is gross and nasty. I am just physically weak. Maybe it's just that I can (try to) out smoke, out drink and out talk most of them... Or maybe I'm just as conceited as the one I love and never give them a chance to survive in the hurricane of my life. Either way, I feel that there are only two, maybe three people that know me. I want to be known for who I am by so many more people that are in my life, but they are too busy pretending that they are happy to just accept life as it is and appreciate what is before them for the beauty that it is. I am not just talking about myself here, but life. The wind, the birds, the sunny days that seem to kiss everything but the shade, the rainy days that feed life. The music in the laughter around them, the power of the sadness that urges us to fail yet cries for us to surpass the pain. They are trapped in the societal views that they were raised in. Fail to see the world from the mountain top. We all have pivotal moments in our lives where we are at the top and God allows us to see things clearly from his view. At times, I feel that I spend more time on the mountain than on the ground. I don't want to see what I see most of the time. I don't want to see the pain, the struggles. But who can give up the grand view? Who can give up the moment when a child laughs? Who can give up the moment when you see pure joy? Who can give up the moment when they see love in a friends or lovers eye? Who can give up the moments where you know you are in love?
Either way... I guess I should publish more of what I think. I may not be heard now, but someday my words and terrible poetry may inspire someone. Who knows?
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