True Story (02-02-09)

Where does one's true story begin?
Is it at birth?
Is it when the innocense of childhood is lost?
Is it when the reality of adulthood is discovered?
At what point do we begin?
Christian fundamentalists believe at conception.
But I believe that life and Life are two separate things.
I believe my life began at five.
That is when I started realizing how fucked up shit really is.

Sleep (02-06-09)

My bed lays empty as I am scared to sleep
The nightmares haunt me and the demons chatter in my mind
I stare into the candle flame hoping my soul will find solace
A thought that will guide me to my pillow - a divine intervention
My thoughts turn to you and I am no longer in fear of the night
I close my eyes, suddenly enclosed by your arms and I am safe
Your hushed voice whispers to my soul and I am calm
The scent of your essence lingers in my memory
I am comforted and I am at peace.
My eyes close and I dream of you.

Modern Day Cowboy (05-24-10)

I fell in love with a modern day cowboy.

The sadness of life shows in his ever changing sea eyes & is hidden by his laugh.,

He can brighten a day with his half crooked smile.

He's a roughneck by trade & gentle by nature

He sweats beads of tears as he works & plays I never know which with his wicked, wicked ways.

His body worn & broken, His soul beaten from long ago fights.

His love is emmense, but only in memory does it live long

If you aren't careful, it disappears with him at dawn.

He rides in & rides out on a steed made of steel

He is a stallion that cannot tamed, for him captivity will kill.

My modern day cowboy, with a heart painted blue

His spirit watered down with whiskey & women

If he lets his feelings show they will break him, he knows

He lassowed my heart & keeps it close to his

A secret we share, but everyone knows.

He is a dying star & the sky is his stage.

He is as free as an eagle, but he keeps himself in a cage.

He howls like the wolf upon my breast, an homage to him yet he pretends not to know.

He fears none but his own heart & is wise of the world

I hope that down deep I am placed high above the rest.

He thinks I love him for his flesh, In reality its his soul

I hope & I pray I know him in the life after this

He & his stallion will cross me past Haydes way.

His word his is honor and his honor his way.

I wasn't the first, I won't be the last.

In my heart, my modern day cowboy rides above the rest.

He is a man of men, a lover of lovers

Through the heartache & fear, he protects me from the world.

While I see a man, he sees a beast.

I love him through & through, til the bittersweet end.

My Modern Day Cowboy, I will love you until then.

White Blanket (12 - 08 - 08)

White blanket of delight

Please cover my heart tonight

Fill My Raging Caverns with your peaceful glow

Sheild my wounds with your gentle folds, high and low

White blanket of delight

Please cover my heart tonight.

Alone (11-28-08)

Alone with my senses

What shall I do

Shall I rearrange furniture

Shall I call my mother

Shall I plant a plant

What shall I do

Alone with my thoughts

What shall I do

Shall I write a book

Shall I cook a dinner for no one to eat

Shall I sell a useless gift.

What shall I do

Alone is alone

It cannot be measured

It cannot be filled

It can be changed

I shall not live alone forever

I shall cherish the lessons that alone has taught me

I shall not lose anyone else

I shall no longer be

Alone.

Beautiful Display (11-26-08)

You are my chosen one

At my side with unwavering faith.

You are strong, yet fragile - but never weak.

You strut with a pride that says you own the road,

At the same time - on the same road

Humility cloaks your every step.

The Grace of God touches your heart

Your strength and integrity is more impenetrable than stone,

but never have I known a more delicate touch,

You graze me with feather kisses so gentle and airy,

a seductive and provocative call I cannot refuse to answer

You watch over me, protect me

And with beautiful display,

Your simple truth is astonishing,

Yet complexities many.

Sins of Our Parents (12-04-09)

We blame our mothers for the sins of our fathers

Never realising that the sins are theirs alone.

To carry this load is a heavy burden.

It is a never ending path that leads nowhere just past eternity.

This leaves only dissatisfaction and sins repeated that are ours alone.

A Heaven Above Heaven (12-13-08)

A Heaven Above Heaven (12-13-08)

Darling, come and rescue me now.

If ever I needed my knight in shining armour

Tonight I am begging - nay pleading - that you take the lead.

Rescue me to a land that is ours alone.

A land that no one can raid, or rape or pillage

I am raided, For my body is raped - my soul is pillaged - I can take no more.

Darling, come and rescue me now.

Lay me down in a field of wildflowers and let the scent of them ravish our senses

Make love to me for all the ages - In I in your arms shall never weep again.

Rescue me to a heaven above heaven!

A heaven that we share with only God alone in a soft golden light

For I need God's love and your arms around me - alas my broken heart will heal.

Darling, come and rescue me now.

Moving On - Courtney Ellira McMillan (02-01-09)

Moving On - Courtney Ellira McMillan (02-01-09)

Our lives are lived apart

Yet still my blood flows through your veins.

Your pain is felt through my soul.

This game is selfish and cruel

But I feel complete compassion for no other.

What will be will be and my dreams do not end

The touch of my lover will never melt my soul

As that of my heart wrapped in your desire

The touch of a soulmate does not happen twice

It cannot be mimmicked, but I can pretend

I can love another and I can feign passion

I can live with another and I can profess contentment

The perfection of true satisfaction can not be immitated.

But does the victim of my crime know of my deceit?

I create an illusion, a mockery, an award winning performance

For in his heart he is the only one to have my affection.

I will never share that in my heart,

He is the replacement, the second choice.

His love is returned, but not with my whole heart, not with my soul.

It is a selfish claim to prevent lonliness.

It is a heartless scream that I dare not shriek.

When you see me walk with him you will see I am not in step.

When you hear me talk of him you will hear a hollow echo in my voice.

Do not judge me, please do not judge me.

This is how I survive with the hole in my heart.

At night I dream of your kiss, your caress, your love.

It keeps me moving through tomorrow.

Without this dream, My soul would surely die.

The Reveal...

I guess I've been hiding a lot lately. I have not been writing here or anywhere. I have decided to reveal more of who I am. There are days, I feel so weak, so tired that I am scared to go to sleep. I force myself to stay awake until dawn to prove that I have made it to another day. Another tomorrow. I don't have much to look forward to, but still I fight to survive in it.

Lately (and I don't know if this happens to everyone who is eternally ill), I have had this morbid feeling growing inside the pit of me. I have been trying to contact friends that I haven't seen in years that I hold dear and miss very much. I think some of the guys feel that it is a romantic pursuit. Really, I just want to hear another joke, have another beer or whatever comes our way. My romantic views have been limited to one man, even though I seek comfort with others at times. Seen as he is too conceited to realize that sometimes, just sometimes, what you have been given IS the best that there is. He is afraid that if he seizes it, it will slip through his fingers. What he doesn't realize is that letting it go is letting it slip through his fingers. But what can I say... He's a guy!

I have a hard time dating now-a-days. I've never been any good at it, but most men want to avoid the sick girl. I'm not even the kind of sick that is gross and nasty. I am just physically weak. Maybe it's just that I can (try to) out smoke, out drink and out talk most of them... Or maybe I'm just as conceited as the one I love and never give them a chance to survive in the hurricane of my life. Either way, I feel that there are only two, maybe three people that know me. I want to be known for who I am by so many more people that are in my life, but they are too busy pretending that they are happy to just accept life as it is and appreciate what is before them for the beauty that it is. I am not just talking about myself here, but life. The wind, the birds, the sunny days that seem to kiss everything but the shade, the rainy days that feed life. The music in the laughter around them, the power of the sadness that urges us to fail yet cries for us to surpass the pain. They are trapped in the societal views that they were raised in. Fail to see the world from the mountain top. We all have pivotal moments in our lives where we are at the top and God allows us to see things clearly from his view. At times, I feel that I spend more time on the mountain than on the ground. I don't want to see what I see most of the time. I don't want to see the pain, the struggles. But who can give up the grand view? Who can give up the moment when a child laughs? Who can give up the moment when you see pure joy? Who can give up the moment when they see love in a friends or lovers eye? Who can give up the moments where you know you are in love?

Either way... I guess I should publish more of what I think. I may not be heard now, but someday my words and terrible poetry may inspire someone. Who knows?

Hello Again!

It has been such a long time since I have posted ANYTHING... no wonder I don't have any readers... lol.

I was watching 'My Sister's Keeper' tonight and it got me thinking. So much talk of illness and death and whatnot. I looked over at my kitchen table and all that is on it are a few bags of pills (and a whole basket of unused refills), some laxatives, a bottle of wine and a bottle of vodka (and yes, my teeth do NOT come out - to those of you who know the story laugh at will).

Then I started thinking about my little girl and how she would have been twelve this December. What would I have done with her? How would I be dealing with a girl getting ready for middle school, boys, drugs and alcohol while dealing with my own infirmity? People always say that God knows best or the body gets rid of the babies that would be born sick or some sort of half-assed consolable comment that could only come from one that did not suffer the loss of an unborn child. Since her I've had two more... Enough to make me think that I am incapable that is for sure.

I have started to think of the word console... I know it means an attempt to make one feel better, but honestly - is it a way to Con the Soul? I keep thinking that as time passes on this sadness will pass with it. But it doesn't. It sits deep inside my soul, a black hole that swallows everything around it. I keep thinking how can I miss someone who never was. Then I see the suffering of parents who have lost this precious life that they had the miraculous chance to raise and nuture and the neglect of those who do not understand what gift they have been given. It makes me wonder what is worse, me grieving for something that almost was, a parent losing their true gift from above or the parent that knows nothing of what they have to lose?

I guess today I am having a pity party... woe is me and all that other shit, right? It's how people make you feel when you are still sad years and years after it happens. I watch my friends with their children, how beautiful it is. I wonder will I ever be able to share in that party. Most of the time I just think that my invitation was lost in the mail.

On the bright side, I only have to worry about getting well... On the flip side, it isn't what I think about most of the time. Well, as my favourite leading lady says, "I'll worry about it tomorrow, for tomorrow is another day!"

And with that, I bid farewell.

A Letter to Wisconsin State Journal Regarding the Legalization of Medicinal Marijuana in the State of Wisconsin

To Whom This May Concern:

As a concerned citizen, I have been keeping a close eye on the progression of the legalization of medical marijuana for Wisconsin AKA JRMMA. I have been suffering from a spinal injuries, arthritis and multiple other ailments following an accident where a vehicle I was in was struck by a city bus. I have been prescribed one form of an opioid or another for fourteen years and I am twenty-six. Furthermore, I have been completely disabled, forfeiting my home, my career and my social life after complications following an emergency surgery.

I believe that the statements made in the below referrenced article is quite simply hogwash. Opioids, muscle relaxers, anti-inflammatory medications are known to cause addiction. For example, look at Brett Favre after several injuries was admitted to rehab. And that is only one example. That does not include the thousands of patients every year that have developed addictions from currently approved pharmaceutical pain medications. Those that may not be "addicted" can also develop tolerance levels and climb their way up the pain med ladder from Vicodin to Morphine.

I fear climbing that ladder and suffer pain beyond the capabilities of my medications so that I may delay the next step. For a while, I did use marijuana to assist my pain medications. Low and behold, my Vicodin intake went from 5 tablets per day to 2-3 tablets per day. I did not smoke much, unless one considers a third of a joint per day excessive. The marijuana helped my pain threshold extend from four hours to eight to ten hours. I regained my appetite and the constant constipation sometimes leading to partial bowel obstructions caused by my approved pain medications alleviated itself. I did not influence those around me to smoke. Rather, I kept my habit to myself knowing the consequences of my actions. I am not a thief. I am not a murderer or a rapist. I am not an addict. So I do not believe that my actions constituted me to be labled as such. When my pain management clinic proposed a random drug screening I advised them of my activity before I took the test. I am not a liar. When given the standard lecture and choice - marijuana or professional medical treatment, I chose the clinic and quit smoking marijuana as an aid. Since then, the constipation, anxiety, increased pain levels, depression, libido loss, fogginess and many other known side effects have returned. If only this natural aid could be managed by my medical professionals.

Marijuana passes through the liver in 3-6 weeks. One tablet of Vicodin passes through the liver in 51 months. That is longer than my first car note. People say that marijuana is a gate way drug and this is a step towards the legalization of recreational marijuana. I would like to say to those people, if your kid is an addict, your kid is an addict. It is not the drugs fault. It is nature, it is terrible events that happen that people try to escape, it is going to happen at some point. It may begin when an appendix ruptures or wisdom teeth are pulled and they enjoy the intoxication of the Vicodin or Oxycontin. It may begin the first time you leave town and do not lock the liquor cabinet. Or it could begin at their first college party. As a parent it is your job to educate your child the risks that are involved with any drug, legal AND illegal. It is not the school's responsibility, the state's responsibility, the doctor's responsibility - it is THE PARENTS RESPONSIBILITY! It may take a village to raise a child, but that whole time the child is looking at their mother and father to lead the way.

God put every plant and animal on this earth with a purpose. Yes, marijuana is used recreationally, but it has been used for thousands of years for medicinal purposes until politics said otherwise. Men have been trying to duplicate the wonders of nature to increase the effectiveness of these God given gifts. It is how we discovered morphine, aspirin, warfarin and many other medications that not only help, but hurt so many people. Sometimes, using what we have, as it comes in nature, is the best way to administer medicine. It does not always require the need to be prescribed in a pill, syrup or syringe.

I urge people to write in support of medicinal marijuana. People suffering from cancer, spinal injuries, PTSD, nervous disorders, eating disorders are not trying to deal drugs to children. That is what is happening in the streets right now - with drug dealers who may be your next door neighbor, your child's best friend or teacher. The people who support this bill are asking for support to allow the doctors to provide them with relief that aids current medications and their side effects in a safe and legal fashion. We are people who wish to have pain relief, an appetite, calmness, relaxation, and sometimes just a bowel movement (as sad as that sounds constipation is a major side effect of many of the medications that are used to treat the people this bill will effect and that is sometimes more painful than what ails you in the first place). We know that you know someone who is suffering that may find relief by the ingestion or smoking of a natural herb. We also believe that this may put financial relief on the medical system as marijuana can be produced at a lesser dollar than the cost of current prescriptions and their required research by the FDA. Many people may be able to cancel or lessen their benefits of the Social Security Disability and Medicaid system and return to the workforce and once again become a productive member of society.

Personally, I am one who believes that those involved in big business fear the legalization of medical marijuana as it has the potential to greatly effect the pharmaceutical industry. Everyone knows that industry and politics go hand in hand. Please listen to the people. So many of which are afraid to speak out as they do not want their name on a list, yet studies show 80% of Wisconsinites privately support this bill. Our state motto is, "FORWARD". Let us do what our fore-father's wanted. Not become slaves to industry controlling politics, but move forward.

Courtney E. McMillan

_______________________________________________

I am posting this letter hoping that someone reads it. I fear that this law, that will help so many patients and wonderful people, will be rejected. As one can tell I am passionate about this issue and have been for thirteen years. Every current events report that I did in school was for the legalization of marijuana, particularly in medicinal instances. Please, if you support this bill, I am begging you to write your assembly person, your senator, someone who is going to vote on this bill and help make a difference in the lives of over 200,000 Wisconsinites! WE NEED YOUR HELP!

A Heaven Above Heaven

I wrote this poem in December of 2008. I was in need of a love that healed. I needed a tangible comfort. I thought that I had written this plea for a lover. After a year and several months, I am wondering if maybe, just maybe, this was a call to the universe for my knight in shining armour. I have moments where I wonder if such a gentle man even exists. One who is strong, sensitive, kind, honest, not afraid to hurt my feelings with the truth, yet observant of how I feel what is being said. A lover who's touch can heal the wounds of the mind, body and soul and who's voice soothes the spaces in between. I am a romantic. Of course, despite all of my heartbreak, believe that such love still exists. The hard part is finding this person amidst the sea of careless, insensitive boys who call themselves men.

When I wrote this I wanted to be rescued from the turmoil of my so called life.

A Heaven Above Heaven (12-13-08)

Darling, come and rescue me now.

If ever I needed my knight in shining armour

Tonight I am begging - nay pleading - that you take the lead.

Rescue me to a land that is ours alone.

A land that no one can raid, or rape or pillage

I am raided, For my body is raped - my soul is pillaged - I can take no more.

Darling, come and rescue me now.

Lay me down in a field of wildflowers and let the scent of them ravish our senses

Make love to me for all the ages - In I in your arms shall never weep again.

Rescue me to a heaven above heaven!

A heaven that we share with only God alone in a soft golden light

For I need God's love and your arms around me - alas my broken heart will heal.

Darling, come and rescue me now.

New Room!

Hey there!

I am so excited to have a new room! My name is C. Ellira (please just call me Ellira) and I am geared up to share my rants, poetry, writings with you and I hope that you feel the same! S0 - Let's see where this goes and let's have a fun ride!

Always Yours,

Ellira