It has been such a long time since I have posted ANYTHING... no wonder I don't have any readers... lol.
I was watching 'My Sister's Keeper' tonight and it got me thinking. So much talk of illness and death and whatnot. I looked over at my kitchen table and all that is on it are a few bags of pills (and a whole basket of unused refills), some laxatives, a bottle of wine and a bottle of vodka (and yes, my teeth do NOT come out - to those of you who know the story laugh at will).
Then I started thinking about my little girl and how she would have been twelve this December. What would I have done with her? How would I be dealing with a girl getting ready for middle school, boys, drugs and alcohol while dealing with my own infirmity? People always say that God knows best or the body gets rid of the babies that would be born sick or some sort of half-assed consolable comment that could only come from one that did not suffer the loss of an unborn child. Since her I've had two more... Enough to make me think that I am incapable that is for sure.
I have started to think of the word console... I know it means an attempt to make one feel better, but honestly - is it a way to Con the Soul? I keep thinking that as time passes on this sadness will pass with it. But it doesn't. It sits deep inside my soul, a black hole that swallows everything around it. I keep thinking how can I miss someone who never was. Then I see the suffering of parents who have lost this precious life that they had the miraculous chance to raise and nuture and the neglect of those who do not understand what gift they have been given. It makes me wonder what is worse, me grieving for something that almost was, a parent losing their true gift from above or the parent that knows nothing of what they have to lose?
I guess today I am having a pity party... woe is me and all that other shit, right? It's how people make you feel when you are still sad years and years after it happens. I watch my friends with their children, how beautiful it is. I wonder will I ever be able to share in that party. Most of the time I just think that my invitation was lost in the mail.
On the bright side, I only have to worry about getting well... On the flip side, it isn't what I think about most of the time. Well, as my favourite leading lady says, "I'll worry about it tomorrow, for tomorrow is another day!"
And with that, I bid farewell.
