Aah... Yet again, it feels as if a lifetime since I've written on here... but Georgie reminded me in a way. He's such a cutie. I haven't really had much to say that I've wanted to set in stone. My mind has been quite fogged actually. The only things I know for sure is as always - what boy I like, what shoes I want to wear and what I'm hungry for. The rest, I feel, my brain has taken a vacation from.
How did I end up a romantic? Probably simple psychology and the escape of chaos to peace and love and serenity. To find the partner who loves and appreciates me for forever. What little girl growing up in Dante's dream wouldn't be? The effects of abuse, sexually I'm a straight up mess as well. I don't know how or why or when my tastes, my appetite, my desires happened. The most I can put together is when I quit cutting myself like a Virginia ham, pain during sex equivocated that need. Dirty sex made the same impact of release as cutting myself ever did. I don't know if its the degradation, the physical experience of pain that eases the mental, the ability to release control until I ask for it back or most likely the combination of all the above. Most people I've met who are like me have been through the same.
I don't like wanting things that I have to hide enjoying. Hide being myself. Hide what I desire until I trust? Huh? that's all fucked the fuck up - wouldn't ya think? I don't want to hide from myself, nor do I wish to hurt myself. But how do I love without being scarred? How do I find the man who wants to be around while I'm trying to get out of this vat of shit. I don't think I can take many more meals alone. I don't even eat dinner or cook anymore because of it. Nothing more to remind me how empty my life is when others are at Packer parties and holidays and family events. I'm not allowed anywhere anymore because of my obtuse personality. I make them feel too stupid (per Grama), but they won't answer how I can make them feel less stupid other than I need to make sure my vocabulary does not exceed 2nd grade and then I get yelled at for talking to them like children. Well 2nd grade is what - 8 years old? How much more adult can you comprehend? On my dad's - I'm not religious enough and am a practicing witch and antichrist. I shot a dirty look at someone when they asked as a joke because I have herbs in my garden. At first I thought they meant it as I am so used to having to listen to it. Nevermind, I still go to church alone because Heaven forbid a man walks his woman into church without complaint. Nascar and Baseball last longer than church and are both boring as all hell - so I'm supposed to give up 6 months of evenings and every saturday for the rest to watch shit that bores me and makes me want to puke and you can't handle 45 min on Sunday. My father was great at unfair deals like that. So controlling. Everything everything everything had to pass his approval or it was Hell. I even had to model EVERY piece of clothing my mother bought with the matching shoes so he knew what outfits I had and if they were appropriate. Or she got beat and I got the belt. I could go through a list of things that had to be inspected because my mothers judgement wasn't enough to dress a child properly. I was the puff-a-luff kid in winter for Pete's sake and that wasn't enough!
When the fuck will it be enough? When can I sleep without a weapon in my room? When can I sleep? People preach let it go... how do you do that. I've been doing this for 28 years... what the fuck is letting go? What is letting people in? I've let in a few... none of them far enough. How does a person get rescued from this fear and chaos? I have yet to discover. Then the other side is pray, pray, pray - how much longer do I have to ask God to not hurt me before he stops. How much pain does my body need to feel? How many crazy things do my eyes have to see? How many insane situations must I help diffuse? When can I go to bed on my mans chest and KNOW I am safe for the night, that I am in loving arms that will never lift to beat me worse than he beats his dog who isn't going to force me to suck his cock or accept it into my body, who won't throw me up and down and all around, who won't choke me until my face turns blue... when? I needed it yesterday. Now, I'm just tired.
How did I end up a romantic? Probably simple psychology and the escape of chaos to peace and love and serenity. To find the partner who loves and appreciates me for forever. What little girl growing up in Dante's dream wouldn't be? The effects of abuse, sexually I'm a straight up mess as well. I don't know how or why or when my tastes, my appetite, my desires happened. The most I can put together is when I quit cutting myself like a Virginia ham, pain during sex equivocated that need. Dirty sex made the same impact of release as cutting myself ever did. I don't know if its the degradation, the physical experience of pain that eases the mental, the ability to release control until I ask for it back or most likely the combination of all the above. Most people I've met who are like me have been through the same.
I don't like wanting things that I have to hide enjoying. Hide being myself. Hide what I desire until I trust? Huh? that's all fucked the fuck up - wouldn't ya think? I don't want to hide from myself, nor do I wish to hurt myself. But how do I love without being scarred? How do I find the man who wants to be around while I'm trying to get out of this vat of shit. I don't think I can take many more meals alone. I don't even eat dinner or cook anymore because of it. Nothing more to remind me how empty my life is when others are at Packer parties and holidays and family events. I'm not allowed anywhere anymore because of my obtuse personality. I make them feel too stupid (per Grama), but they won't answer how I can make them feel less stupid other than I need to make sure my vocabulary does not exceed 2nd grade and then I get yelled at for talking to them like children. Well 2nd grade is what - 8 years old? How much more adult can you comprehend? On my dad's - I'm not religious enough and am a practicing witch and antichrist. I shot a dirty look at someone when they asked as a joke because I have herbs in my garden. At first I thought they meant it as I am so used to having to listen to it. Nevermind, I still go to church alone because Heaven forbid a man walks his woman into church without complaint. Nascar and Baseball last longer than church and are both boring as all hell - so I'm supposed to give up 6 months of evenings and every saturday for the rest to watch shit that bores me and makes me want to puke and you can't handle 45 min on Sunday. My father was great at unfair deals like that. So controlling. Everything everything everything had to pass his approval or it was Hell. I even had to model EVERY piece of clothing my mother bought with the matching shoes so he knew what outfits I had and if they were appropriate. Or she got beat and I got the belt. I could go through a list of things that had to be inspected because my mothers judgement wasn't enough to dress a child properly. I was the puff-a-luff kid in winter for Pete's sake and that wasn't enough!
When the fuck will it be enough? When can I sleep without a weapon in my room? When can I sleep? People preach let it go... how do you do that. I've been doing this for 28 years... what the fuck is letting go? What is letting people in? I've let in a few... none of them far enough. How does a person get rescued from this fear and chaos? I have yet to discover. Then the other side is pray, pray, pray - how much longer do I have to ask God to not hurt me before he stops. How much pain does my body need to feel? How many crazy things do my eyes have to see? How many insane situations must I help diffuse? When can I go to bed on my mans chest and KNOW I am safe for the night, that I am in loving arms that will never lift to beat me worse than he beats his dog who isn't going to force me to suck his cock or accept it into my body, who won't throw me up and down and all around, who won't choke me until my face turns blue... when? I needed it yesterday. Now, I'm just tired.
