http://www.santafeworkshops.com/

http://www.santafeworkshops.com/ 

I think I might go on one!  This looks like a great time in some exotic places!

Afraid of Life Itself

Yesterday was Bob’s birthday, an incredible disaster that I imposed.  Today I walk in fear as I have these several months that I have know Duane is home.  I cannot collect my things.  My mother has broken so many promises this year alone at the cost of $8,500, not including the $4,300 incident from last year and the $85,000 back rents on my home, which she offered to the bank on a silver platter. 

People think that getting sick is a break, laziness, weakness.  It is hardship of every kind.  There is no one to trust.  Those that are the closest take the most advantage and the government makes it so that all of the assets that you hold for emergencies are exhausted and that you do not keep more than $100 balances in your accounts or you really do not need help.  For pete’s sake, one cannot get roadside assistance for $100 anymore.  

Bobis the most wonderful boyfriend I have had thus far.  I hate to sound as if I feel that it is temporary.  I don’t want it to be, but I cannot see someone who would rather I figure out how to change from the gilded trash that raised me to somewhat secular in behaviour.  The taming of the shrew so to speak.  I wish that my Bobolink could do that... I would love that.  But somehow, I feel caged.  I don’t know what to say, what to do, how to be, how to love when I am always wrong.  When I ask what I do right, I hear -  Lots of things... but there is never a list. 

I fear that the man who has me so terrified I cannot sleep at night and am finally ready, unknowingly able, to press charges against may be out of my reach.  All of the late night threats, dirty whispers, attempts on my life have been training to become a soulless bitch.  

I try to do yoga, meditate, medicate.  None of it works.  Talk therapy creates some sort of empathy to create an easier path to forgiveness, if you buy it.  Talking to police, doctors and religious figures often leads to insults and to the ones that are predators - a notification on one’s forehead that “Confused Abuse Target Here” and they intercept one’s life. 

So often have I started this and even with the good guys - I fight it.  I fight the love, I fight the care, I fight the whole thing.  Why?  Because I’ve been groomed to be hyper-vigilant and always ready to fight or so scared that everything is a con that I am a total sharpshooter to anything that comes my way... or feel that I need to get in touch with my inner honey badger. 

Either way, none of it does me well.  Each and every time I step on my own two feet.  I don’t have love for those that I used to and don’t know how to love those I want to.  I only know how to lonely and alone.  I don’t like it.  That cannot be the only way to be happy or the only way to live.

“BigBrain” Project Makes Terabyte Map of a Human Brain

“BigBrain” Project Makes Terabyte Map of a Human Brain

Interesting Article.  I can't wait to hear more.

I Forgive You If You Forgive Me

Let's Grow Like the Tree of Life Baby...

I need this love, I need this man , I need this love that understands

That we are never ending, always living, & laughter is a choice

Fools think it covers the pain, Ingenues believe its their own humour
We are real and believe it is how we feel right here, right now
It is the best that it gets for the ninety and eight percent

The world itself is not a place, It is an illusion of a school where we train

Learning to love after realizing love is the test, its all a game

We sing, we dance, but we live therefore we fail because we are not perfect beings

Come to my table and dance in my kitchen and we will fall in love again and forget about the things

If you forgive me, I forgive you, but I want no more trouble

I want to wrap you around me like we're inside a bubble

Let happiness reign like a love legend of yore

Our hearts and souls remain entangled inside

This bubble we made in the loops of time

Baby if you come back, baby I will never leave

I will be there loving you, good and bad, happy and sad, sickness and health

but lets laugh and dance and love like we do best when I’m with you

If your house is empty come to mine And let the love flow through

I don’t judge you for what you are

but I expect the best of who you are

love me the same and there is no mess

When we go to bed, remember I like finesse

If you forgive me, I forgive you, but I want no more trouble

I want to wrap you around me like we're inside a bubble

Let happiness reign like a love legend of yore

Our hearts and souls remain entangled inside

This bubble we made in the loops of time

My love has left and that’s ok, for I know his heart

we all have our own paths to pave - and I know its a sweet cherry that is slightly tart

I will be in his heart forever and back again in his next journey to love him again.

for how I treated my lover fails my test, but maybe I do it just to be with him on this plane.

I am trying to learn from my mistakes

So come to my house prepared to love

Hurt and hate are not welcome, just new memories to learn from

Do this and I will make you a happy home and never let you go

My heart beats like a drum, pum pum hum

It seems simple, but we suffer from the human condition

Lucky for me, I hope its in remission
I’ve got it bad, I may be sad, I may be mad

You make me smile and I am had

Lets live in laughter and not think of our war for the rest of time…

If you forgive me, I forgive you, but I want no more trouble

I want to wrap you around me like we're inside a bubble

Let happiness reign like a love legend of yore

Our hearts and souls remain entangled inside

This bubble we made in the loops of time

(Note... this isn't for S)

OK... Nevermind Stephan

Wow!  What an experience!  I've never been called a whore so many times in my life!  Much less that he may or may not be bopping my mom. (I do not know who to trust).  Oh well.

I have already chose to just forget him.  Stephen Binish is a loser.  

To Stephan... lol

Lazy spider kissing my chrysanthemum
Where will you go? From where did you come?
Did the intricate web on my grass did you weave?
Are you whispering secrets I do not know I hear to deceive?

When you crawl away will you remember me?

Greetings...

When did English become Language Arts?  When using acronyms and creating a new language is in process shouldn't we know what we once spoke - knowing I'm in the last generation that knows how to write with a pen and paper its all so overwhelming).  I understand in another life I would have spoken Latin, Spanish, French maybe.  English - the scientific language.  Is that why Dr. Who speaks English?  Not only so that we understand it, but English has been long ago established of the language of scientists and what is God but the ultimate scientist.  Only he has the formula to the entire universe.

Funny when you take it that far so quickly.  Sad when the talent of writing it by hand is losing its popularity.  What would happen if computers ever stopped.  Or is the sci-fi theory that computer programming is getting to the point where self-updating data will become so common computers will themselves grow or breed like a worm.  I don't know if I trust something that has to have sex with itself to produce offspring.  Masturbation is nice and everything, but really???  Yeah - those episodes scared me.

I have complied and gotten so disgusted I can no longer hear the fast spoken, ultra pointed, super edited news.  If someone hasn't died or been murdered then a kid is shooting a school.  Whatever happened to  going to the arcade or learning how to do a dangerous sport as a teenager - now kids kill themseves and may take the world with them!  And what is it about psychos just choosing a school zone to shoot up.  I mean hell, if one is going to go on a rampage, why don't you blow up where they store the mortgage and credit records, not kids.  I'm sure Master Card and Visa are insured... I mean, what was the ultimate message of 'Fight Club'?  And if you had read the book you would know Marla had the scar, too.  Equals in attempting to defeat this world one small guys battle at a time because that we are when we choose to include our partner.

Speaking English to a partner... whew!  One would think I speak Martian.   I tell him in English 'NO' all the time and he is like the puppy dog that could, he just keeps pissing on the hallway carpet.  I love him though.  Haven't told him yet.  I don't know which language to use.  He's a decade older than I and he speaks Text better than I do!  How frustrating do you think that is when I have to look up my hunny's acronyms!  UGH!  And even harder than that - getting people to set up a time is getting harder and harder as if having a schedule were a trend or rather it is a trend not to have a schedule maybe?  It might be some yoga thing I'm missing like less is more because I have to do the DVD's now that I've update all but one of the VHS tapes that still work.  I even have a copy of Richard Simmons burried deep that I only bring out when things are dangerously... overdue.  Kinda like when you have to trim a little before you wax... yeah.   Fun.

So now that I am back to speaking Ellira no one will understand this conversation so I am off to bed, sweet hearts.  Wow I wonder if that as 140 characters?  If so, My hunny is in SOOOOOO much trouble. 

In the Drink by John Hennessy : Poetry Magazine

In the Drink by John Hennessy : Poetry Magazine

I read this and wow! I was in New Orleans hearing Coltrane wading in the bayou watching these magnificent animals hurry about me!  I love it!

Where Have You Been? (Rev. 1)

Lover, Ive waited while riding time like a bull, kicking and screaming
Not knowing what was lost, Asking the powers of the universe for answers to my questions
After a brief quest, Like a knight to the crusade, I searched and charged and now I see you.
You, lover, what took you so long?  A Milky Stalion waiting amongst the flowers through a mist like a dream.  You are beautiful as you gaze upon me with soft, gentle eyes.
Your gaze is so adoring I must pet you.  I must feel you nuzzle against me.
The time came and went and is now forgotten... It seemed that it went on and on
I embraced its lumps and bumps, rode the waves of life alone.
Longing for that sweet embrace, exhaling all of my sorrows into the night air
All the while inhaling your masculine beauty and feeling safe, complete, content.
Your kisses ever lingering as the night cape meets the dawn's veil,
Finally!
Your arms sheltered me for a night, I crave more
Your body wrapped like a cocoon around me, I need more
The beat of your heart counting the timing of our movements against eac other,
but a new discovery, an unchartered map have I found in this light, this love.
If it is found then fulfilled with loving grace, it must nourish the creation of beauty and things to grow
A talent for which appears to be hidden, I don't even think you really know 
That your love is like a raindrop on a petal, a missing piece, a lifetime of wonder dissolved.

Conservative vs. Liberal vs. Uber Conservative

Wow!  This has been a week.  More and more, the people who surround me in my community who I have always taken to be centrists are letting their freak flags flay as Michelle Bachmann announces "RETREAT!" (only to reveal an even more profitable position, a sex scandal to justify her divorce and new marraige to a "real" Christian, as if gays cannot believe in G_d... ya right! that is to unfold in the future as she works her way to the conservative gooey center to wow us with her 2016 Presidential announcement and all the court's jokers will once again light up.  With her withdrawl, I am only saddened by the fact that her absense will make my heart grow... flounder.  Mostly because Michelle Bachmann is a cold fish.

But what about this Politico Cold War inside of our great union?  There are some people who I look at and wonder if we are the war generation, reborn.  Doesn't matter which one - pick one and uphold your side, right?  And we are continuing this nonsense because???  Now there are somethings that are common sense, not conservative or liberal.  Then there are others that separate us.  And rather than take the time to understand each other, we sanctioned these three sectors to torture each other using legislature and other peoples, hmm hmm taxpayer, money to do it.  We continue to use the DOD to traffic guns and cocaine.  They tell us that is how they fund so much of their program, its not a conspiracy theory... just the crazy truth. 

Why are Americans not demanding more of themselves as individuals? Is it only ok if Oprah or Dr. Phil say so to improve ones sense of self and others or we just simply are incapable of being nice?  That is not the America I was raised to believe in, yet am increasingly disappointed by most of my contemporaries and sometimes myself. 

So while I cannot stand a stump-speeching Tea-bagger only for the racism, sexism and homophobic contributors and sometimes violent standards of the party.  I think the Tea Party will trigger the next civil war unless it is dissolved. 

Until that day... Cup of tea?