Well, I think I know what I am going to say in that stupid letter.  It has not been a fun ride down memory lane.  Good news is half of what is on my plate will be wiped off soon... I cannot wait!  And Duane is in Belize for the next week!  My mom wants me to leave tomorrow for Algoma for the next week... is it bad that I don't want to go?  She really just wants me to pack her glass so it doesn't break, but 90% of the time will be unproductive and spent fighting over how she wants it done (which will include paper towel).  I dunno.

The past few days have been quiet, but I've been nervous as a cat on a hot tin roof.  Hopefully the pins and needles will stop soon... maybe.  I have a feeling not, but I am known to be wrong.  Other than that - lots of deep thoughts that I have once again forgot. 

Aah... Yet again, it feels as if a lifetime since I've written on here... but Georgie reminded me in a way.  He's such a cutie.  I haven't really had much to say that I've wanted to set in stone.  My mind has been quite fogged actually.  The only things I know for sure is as always - what boy I like, what shoes I want to wear and what I'm hungry for.  The rest, I feel, my brain has taken a vacation from.

How did I end up a romantic?  Probably simple psychology and the escape of chaos to peace and love and serenity.  To find the partner who loves and appreciates me for forever.  What little girl growing up in Dante's dream wouldn't be? The effects of abuse, sexually I'm a straight up mess as well.  I don't know how or why or when my tastes, my appetite, my desires happened.  The most I can put together is when I quit cutting myself like a Virginia ham, pain during sex equivocated that need.  Dirty sex made the same impact of release as cutting myself ever did.  I don't know if its the degradation, the physical experience of pain that eases the mental, the ability to release control until I ask for it back or most likely the combination of all the above.  Most people I've met who are like me have been through the same. 

I don't like wanting things that I have to hide enjoying.  Hide being myself.  Hide what I desire until I trust?  Huh?  that's all fucked the fuck up - wouldn't ya think?  I don't want to hide from myself, nor do I wish to hurt myself.  But how do I love without being scarred?  How do I find the man who wants to be around while I'm trying to get out of this vat of shit.  I don't think I can take many more meals alone.  I don't even eat dinner or cook anymore because of it.  Nothing more to remind me how empty my life is when others are at Packer parties and holidays and family events.  I'm not allowed anywhere anymore because of my obtuse personality.  I make them feel too stupid (per Grama), but they won't answer how I can make them feel less stupid other than I need to make sure my vocabulary does not exceed 2nd grade and then I get yelled at for talking to them like children.  Well 2nd grade is what - 8 years old?  How much more adult can you comprehend?  On my dad's - I'm not religious enough and am a practicing witch and antichrist.  I shot a dirty look at someone when they asked as a joke because I have herbs in my garden.  At first I thought they meant it as I am so used to having to listen to it. Nevermind, I still go to church alone because Heaven forbid a man walks his woman into church without complaint.  Nascar and Baseball last longer than church and are both boring as all hell - so I'm supposed to give up 6 months of evenings and every saturday for the rest to watch shit that bores me and makes me want to puke and you can't handle 45 min on Sunday.  My father was great at unfair deals like that.  So controlling.  Everything everything everything had to pass his approval or it was Hell.  I even had to model EVERY piece of clothing my mother bought with the matching shoes so he knew what outfits I had and if they were appropriate.  Or she got beat and I got the belt.  I could go through a list of things that had to be inspected because my mothers judgement wasn't enough to dress a child properly.  I was the puff-a-luff kid in winter for Pete's sake and that wasn't enough! 

When the fuck will it be enough?  When can I sleep without a weapon in my room?  When can I sleep?  People preach let it go... how do you do that.  I've been doing this for 28 years... what the fuck is letting go?  What is letting people in?  I've let in a few... none of them far enough.  How does a person get rescued from this fear and chaos?  I have yet to discover.  Then the other side is pray, pray, pray - how much longer do I have to ask God to not hurt me before he stops.  How much pain does my body need to feel?  How many crazy things do my eyes have to see?  How many insane situations must I help diffuse?  When can I go to bed on my mans chest and KNOW I am safe for the night, that I am in loving arms that will never lift to beat me worse than he beats his dog who isn't going to force me to suck his cock or accept it into my body, who won't throw me up and down and all around, who won't choke me until my face turns blue... when?  I needed it yesterday.  Now, I'm just tired.

Where Have You Been?

Lover, Ive waited while riding time like a bull, kicking and screaming
Not knowing what was lost, Asking the powers of the universe for answers to my questions
After a brief quest, Like a knight to the crusade, I searched and charged and now I see you.
You, lover, what took you so long?  A Milky Stalion waiting amongst the flowers through a mist like a dream.  You are beautiful as you gaze upon me with soft, gentle eyes.
Your gaze is so adoring I must pet you.  I must feel you nuzzle against me.
The time came and went and is now forgotten... It seemed that it went on and on
I embraced its lumps and bumps, rode the waves of life alone.
Longing for that sweet embrace, exhaling all of my sorrows into the night air
All the while inhaling your masculine beauty and feeling safe, complete, content.
Your kisses ever lingering as the night cape meets the dawn's veil,
Finally!
Your arms sheltered me for a night, I crave more
Your body wrapped like a cocoon around me, I need more
The beat of your heart counting the timing of our movements against eac other,
but a new discovery, an unchartered map have I found in this light, this love.
If it is found then fulfilled with loving grace, it must nourish the creation of beauty and things to grow
A talent for which appears to be hidden, I don't even think you really know
That your love is like a raindrop on a petal, a missing piece, a lifetime of wonder dissolved.                            

Ellira's Room: Do Not Be A Sick American

Ellira's Room: Do Not Be A Sick American: Being disabled for three years now, after working hard since I was 16, it is a great disservice to be a tax-paying American that falls ill. ...

Do Not Be A Sick American

Being disabled for three years now, after working hard since I was 16, it is a great disservice to be a tax-paying American that falls ill.  The rights that a working American, diminishing before us and we do nothing except bitch, far surpass those that this Hitler-like state of the Neo-United States has created.  When we do nothing as a whole, only those on top can survive.

I was hopeful that organizations that I had donated to over the years would help me when I had zero income.  No money for rent, food, toiletries, etc.  I did not have children so I did not qualify for most programs.  Several women advised me to become pregnant.  I did for a short period this spring, but my "hostile" womb decided that the fourth baby was still not the one to bring into this world.  Those that are willing to help single men and women without children offer spoiled meat, rotten milk, possibly toilet paper - never sanitary napkins or tampons for the women of course.

Medications - HAH!  Pay your COBRA so that you can get them.  If you have pain medications of any kind, unless its a Walmart deal, you will be paying full price with no help from the manufacturers.  And this new unified prescription manufacturer contract is just a way to put or elongate prescriptions back on a non-generic level due to the patent laws, leaving most people in the dust.

I've only been here for three years, but Social Security has only seen zero cost of living increase in the last decade and will be cutting incomes another 20% come October 1st.  Also, due to the economy, most states will be seceding any SSI or additional programs for the disabled (ie. food stamps, non-federal housing allocations, etc) as well as cutting most transit lines and other commonly used services among those on limited incomes.  If you cannot afford to pay for yourself you will be placed in a state run facility (isn't that how Hitler perfected the gas he used to euthanize over 15 million people - start with the feeble because no one cares).  A state run facility killed a good friend of mines brother.  Two doctors and three nurses watched a man choke on a meatball.  Thank the Lord her parents could afford a private autopsy or the "incident" would have been swept under the rug like so many others.

I do not understand why becoming ill made me a second class citizen.  All I, and most who are ill, have ever wanted is to get well and back to work.  Doctors just hit the refill button because it costs the clinic less than to treat you.  And when the doctor puts you on morphine... well you are beginning the euthanasia process. 

The real question is, what do we do?  Do we riot, like England?  No.  Do we decapitate, like France?  No.  Do we let religious conservatives say we are cursed so who cares, like we do now?  No.

We need to come together and re-arrange these programs.  We know what works, leave it be.  We know what doesn't work.  Modify it.  We know there are fakes and they make it difficult for those who are really sick to get any help.  Flush them out.  Send them to the "group homes" as they obviously have issues far greater than a bad back or cancer.  Let us not create programs that lessens a persons income for working.  Let us make sure Americans are fed, not those in Russia, first.  If Russia is that hungry, Sarah Palin can take it over a row boat at a time and keep her crazy ass busy. 

America needs to get the balls it has lost.  We need to be one people again.  There is not much difference between the left and the right.  And health does not discriminate or care about your politics.  It is what it is.  You are healthy or you are sick.  Going back to the days of laying shame on those that have been ill is not the time travel I've always dreamed of.  I am disgusted by my state and offended by my government.  In this day and age, that is a common statement - but please tell me there is a way to not deduce the money of the people who live independently.  What if it were you?

Ellira's Room: A Letter to the Governer

Ellira's Room: A Letter to the Governer: "Dear Governor Walker: You have officially made me abhore being a Wisconsonite. You are an embarrassment to our state and almost everyone ..."

A Letter to the Governer

Dear Governor Walker:

You have officially made me abhore being a Wisconsonite.  You are an embarrassment to our state and almost everyone in my family is moving because of your "changes". Your lack of empathy for the sick and feeble is close to that of Hitler in WWII.  The decisions you are making regarding Social Security, Disability and tax raises against the most poor who need every dollar available to put back into the economy to end our Modern Era Depression.  How you treat the old and sick is similar to his test programs before he began genocide.  Instead, you are making Wisco-cide. I agree that programs need to be adjusted - YES.  Do we blame people who gave it everything they had (many of whom get sick right at the end of their career leaving them 5 or 10 years from their retirement package) yet because they do not have children, the funds that they paid their taxes to pushes them aside because this one has kids and has never worked a day in her life. 

Did you ever stop to think that most people on disability do not want to be?  I sure don't.  Having my back broke in 7 places, working 30+ hours too many with fibromyalgia for years, complications from fibromyalgia causing many surgeries and some cancer.  I am 28, starting menopause and in complete pain every time I move.  I am looking for a bonus of living on less than $1,000 and told I have to have a child in order to survive on the system - being told this by State workers - and I am being told I choose this life over making 2.5 times that in the real world?  Are you insane?

I do not like being labeled and condemned when I hand over my insurance card.  I do not like being told that I "look" healthy by people who are not doctors.  And the doctors! Poking and prodding and testing and drugging beyond irritation by over 20 in the last 3 years - all of which agree that I need to stay home seen as they have me drugged, still in pain and miserable.  So rather than going work 40+ hours a week to the high-paced insurance agencies, mastering my craft, opening my own agency before I was 30 - gone.  Gone with the straw that broke the camels back and dropped me in this lovely oasis in the Real World Desert.  I cannot stand being away from work and struggling to figure out what and how to move on with my life.  I do not like being told to have a baby by the foodstamp people when I am infertile and just suffered another miscarriage because I am worth $30 NOT pregnant and $300+ if I am pregnant. And why do they have all those kids again?

Your standards are weak, your plan weaker, your integrity - translucent.  I am ashamed that someone like you represents someone one like me.  My life is hard and I try to do my best to support myself without the yearly raises those on social security are granted.  We don't get a discount on gas, even though we travel the least.  We don't get a discount on clothes, even though we can't afford all but new underwear.  We can't afford entertainment, besides why does someone who has lost their morale need to be cheered up. We don't get to choose the doctors as they all prescribe medicines that kill.

Why am I not at work?  Because I'm not allowed.  I cannot concentrate or more simply, sit at the desk, for long periods of time due to drugs that have worse side effects and more latency than marijuana - even though that is natural and not nearly as intoxicating or addictive as Morphine - the Granny Killer. Everyone who works in a nursing home or has paid attention to what the state does to the elderly who do not have private insurance - they give them loads of mophine and heart medication.  Why?  Because morphine distresses and eventually shuts down the heart and lungs and another grama in the home, only having the state check of $300 to pay the home who otherwise charges $5,000 dies in her sleep.  They turned me into the granny.  My life is changing.  Will I figure it out?  Yes.  Can I afford to miss one step, which is so stressful it keeps me from sleeping, ergo healing to go back to work. Most of my time is spent on the phone arguing with the government and people like landlords who regularly abuse the benefits and charity offered to the disabled, forcing those who could otherwise make it to request more government and charitable funds.

We need to have a serious talk Mr. Governor.  You really need to examine your own workers and CREATE, INVENT, ENLIGHTEN us with new ideas, new concepts.  I have my own and I will be heard when I am finished.  But until then you represent me.  I am not your drone.  Your business is to take care of people through representation - not making people take care of your business because you represent them.  Your job is to keep up happy.  Our job is to pay our taxes so that you get paid to do that and to do things in a reasonable, legal, prudent manner.  You are taxing the wrong people, you are insulting the wrong people, and you work with no one. 

Thank you for your time Comrade Walker.  I am glad to be apart of this neo-Communist state you just created.


Most heartily sincere,


Miss Courtney E. McMillan

True Story (02-02-09)

Where does one's true story begin?
Is it at birth?
Is it when the innocense of childhood is lost?
Is it when the reality of adulthood is discovered?
At what point do we begin?
Christian fundamentalists believe at conception.
But I believe that life and Life are two separate things.
I believe my life began at five.
That is when I started realizing how fucked up shit really is.

Sleep (02-06-09)

My bed lays empty as I am scared to sleep
The nightmares haunt me and the demons chatter in my mind
I stare into the candle flame hoping my soul will find solace
A thought that will guide me to my pillow - a divine intervention
My thoughts turn to you and I am no longer in fear of the night
I close my eyes, suddenly enclosed by your arms and I am safe
Your hushed voice whispers to my soul and I am calm
The scent of your essence lingers in my memory
I am comforted and I am at peace.
My eyes close and I dream of you.

Modern Day Cowboy (05-24-10)

I fell in love with a modern day cowboy.

The sadness of life shows in his ever changing sea eyes & is hidden by his laugh.,

He can brighten a day with his half crooked smile.

He's a roughneck by trade & gentle by nature

He sweats beads of tears as he works & plays I never know which with his wicked, wicked ways.

His body worn & broken, His soul beaten from long ago fights.

His love is emmense, but only in memory does it live long

If you aren't careful, it disappears with him at dawn.

He rides in & rides out on a steed made of steel

He is a stallion that cannot tamed, for him captivity will kill.

My modern day cowboy, with a heart painted blue

His spirit watered down with whiskey & women

If he lets his feelings show they will break him, he knows

He lassowed my heart & keeps it close to his

A secret we share, but everyone knows.

He is a dying star & the sky is his stage.

He is as free as an eagle, but he keeps himself in a cage.

He howls like the wolf upon my breast, an homage to him yet he pretends not to know.

He fears none but his own heart & is wise of the world

I hope that down deep I am placed high above the rest.

He thinks I love him for his flesh, In reality its his soul

I hope & I pray I know him in the life after this

He & his stallion will cross me past Haydes way.

His word his is honor and his honor his way.

I wasn't the first, I won't be the last.

In my heart, my modern day cowboy rides above the rest.

He is a man of men, a lover of lovers

Through the heartache & fear, he protects me from the world.

While I see a man, he sees a beast.

I love him through & through, til the bittersweet end.

My Modern Day Cowboy, I will love you until then.

White Blanket (12 - 08 - 08)

White blanket of delight

Please cover my heart tonight

Fill My Raging Caverns with your peaceful glow

Sheild my wounds with your gentle folds, high and low

White blanket of delight

Please cover my heart tonight.

Alone (11-28-08)

Alone with my senses

What shall I do

Shall I rearrange furniture

Shall I call my mother

Shall I plant a plant

What shall I do

Alone with my thoughts

What shall I do

Shall I write a book

Shall I cook a dinner for no one to eat

Shall I sell a useless gift.

What shall I do

Alone is alone

It cannot be measured

It cannot be filled

It can be changed

I shall not live alone forever

I shall cherish the lessons that alone has taught me

I shall not lose anyone else

I shall no longer be

Alone.

Beautiful Display (11-26-08)

You are my chosen one

At my side with unwavering faith.

You are strong, yet fragile - but never weak.

You strut with a pride that says you own the road,

At the same time - on the same road

Humility cloaks your every step.

The Grace of God touches your heart

Your strength and integrity is more impenetrable than stone,

but never have I known a more delicate touch,

You graze me with feather kisses so gentle and airy,

a seductive and provocative call I cannot refuse to answer

You watch over me, protect me

And with beautiful display,

Your simple truth is astonishing,

Yet complexities many.

Sins of Our Parents (12-04-09)

We blame our mothers for the sins of our fathers

Never realising that the sins are theirs alone.

To carry this load is a heavy burden.

It is a never ending path that leads nowhere just past eternity.

This leaves only dissatisfaction and sins repeated that are ours alone.

A Heaven Above Heaven (12-13-08)

A Heaven Above Heaven (12-13-08)

Darling, come and rescue me now.

If ever I needed my knight in shining armour

Tonight I am begging - nay pleading - that you take the lead.

Rescue me to a land that is ours alone.

A land that no one can raid, or rape or pillage

I am raided, For my body is raped - my soul is pillaged - I can take no more.

Darling, come and rescue me now.

Lay me down in a field of wildflowers and let the scent of them ravish our senses

Make love to me for all the ages - In I in your arms shall never weep again.

Rescue me to a heaven above heaven!

A heaven that we share with only God alone in a soft golden light

For I need God's love and your arms around me - alas my broken heart will heal.

Darling, come and rescue me now.

Moving On - Courtney Ellira McMillan (02-01-09)

Moving On - Courtney Ellira McMillan (02-01-09)

Our lives are lived apart

Yet still my blood flows through your veins.

Your pain is felt through my soul.

This game is selfish and cruel

But I feel complete compassion for no other.

What will be will be and my dreams do not end

The touch of my lover will never melt my soul

As that of my heart wrapped in your desire

The touch of a soulmate does not happen twice

It cannot be mimmicked, but I can pretend

I can love another and I can feign passion

I can live with another and I can profess contentment

The perfection of true satisfaction can not be immitated.

But does the victim of my crime know of my deceit?

I create an illusion, a mockery, an award winning performance

For in his heart he is the only one to have my affection.

I will never share that in my heart,

He is the replacement, the second choice.

His love is returned, but not with my whole heart, not with my soul.

It is a selfish claim to prevent lonliness.

It is a heartless scream that I dare not shriek.

When you see me walk with him you will see I am not in step.

When you hear me talk of him you will hear a hollow echo in my voice.

Do not judge me, please do not judge me.

This is how I survive with the hole in my heart.

At night I dream of your kiss, your caress, your love.

It keeps me moving through tomorrow.

Without this dream, My soul would surely die.

The Reveal...

I guess I've been hiding a lot lately. I have not been writing here or anywhere. I have decided to reveal more of who I am. There are days, I feel so weak, so tired that I am scared to go to sleep. I force myself to stay awake until dawn to prove that I have made it to another day. Another tomorrow. I don't have much to look forward to, but still I fight to survive in it.

Lately (and I don't know if this happens to everyone who is eternally ill), I have had this morbid feeling growing inside the pit of me. I have been trying to contact friends that I haven't seen in years that I hold dear and miss very much. I think some of the guys feel that it is a romantic pursuit. Really, I just want to hear another joke, have another beer or whatever comes our way. My romantic views have been limited to one man, even though I seek comfort with others at times. Seen as he is too conceited to realize that sometimes, just sometimes, what you have been given IS the best that there is. He is afraid that if he seizes it, it will slip through his fingers. What he doesn't realize is that letting it go is letting it slip through his fingers. But what can I say... He's a guy!

I have a hard time dating now-a-days. I've never been any good at it, but most men want to avoid the sick girl. I'm not even the kind of sick that is gross and nasty. I am just physically weak. Maybe it's just that I can (try to) out smoke, out drink and out talk most of them... Or maybe I'm just as conceited as the one I love and never give them a chance to survive in the hurricane of my life. Either way, I feel that there are only two, maybe three people that know me. I want to be known for who I am by so many more people that are in my life, but they are too busy pretending that they are happy to just accept life as it is and appreciate what is before them for the beauty that it is. I am not just talking about myself here, but life. The wind, the birds, the sunny days that seem to kiss everything but the shade, the rainy days that feed life. The music in the laughter around them, the power of the sadness that urges us to fail yet cries for us to surpass the pain. They are trapped in the societal views that they were raised in. Fail to see the world from the mountain top. We all have pivotal moments in our lives where we are at the top and God allows us to see things clearly from his view. At times, I feel that I spend more time on the mountain than on the ground. I don't want to see what I see most of the time. I don't want to see the pain, the struggles. But who can give up the grand view? Who can give up the moment when a child laughs? Who can give up the moment when you see pure joy? Who can give up the moment when they see love in a friends or lovers eye? Who can give up the moments where you know you are in love?

Either way... I guess I should publish more of what I think. I may not be heard now, but someday my words and terrible poetry may inspire someone. Who knows?

Hello Again!

It has been such a long time since I have posted ANYTHING... no wonder I don't have any readers... lol.

I was watching 'My Sister's Keeper' tonight and it got me thinking. So much talk of illness and death and whatnot. I looked over at my kitchen table and all that is on it are a few bags of pills (and a whole basket of unused refills), some laxatives, a bottle of wine and a bottle of vodka (and yes, my teeth do NOT come out - to those of you who know the story laugh at will).

Then I started thinking about my little girl and how she would have been twelve this December. What would I have done with her? How would I be dealing with a girl getting ready for middle school, boys, drugs and alcohol while dealing with my own infirmity? People always say that God knows best or the body gets rid of the babies that would be born sick or some sort of half-assed consolable comment that could only come from one that did not suffer the loss of an unborn child. Since her I've had two more... Enough to make me think that I am incapable that is for sure.

I have started to think of the word console... I know it means an attempt to make one feel better, but honestly - is it a way to Con the Soul? I keep thinking that as time passes on this sadness will pass with it. But it doesn't. It sits deep inside my soul, a black hole that swallows everything around it. I keep thinking how can I miss someone who never was. Then I see the suffering of parents who have lost this precious life that they had the miraculous chance to raise and nuture and the neglect of those who do not understand what gift they have been given. It makes me wonder what is worse, me grieving for something that almost was, a parent losing their true gift from above or the parent that knows nothing of what they have to lose?

I guess today I am having a pity party... woe is me and all that other shit, right? It's how people make you feel when you are still sad years and years after it happens. I watch my friends with their children, how beautiful it is. I wonder will I ever be able to share in that party. Most of the time I just think that my invitation was lost in the mail.

On the bright side, I only have to worry about getting well... On the flip side, it isn't what I think about most of the time. Well, as my favourite leading lady says, "I'll worry about it tomorrow, for tomorrow is another day!"

And with that, I bid farewell.

A Letter to Wisconsin State Journal Regarding the Legalization of Medicinal Marijuana in the State of Wisconsin

To Whom This May Concern:

As a concerned citizen, I have been keeping a close eye on the progression of the legalization of medical marijuana for Wisconsin AKA JRMMA. I have been suffering from a spinal injuries, arthritis and multiple other ailments following an accident where a vehicle I was in was struck by a city bus. I have been prescribed one form of an opioid or another for fourteen years and I am twenty-six. Furthermore, I have been completely disabled, forfeiting my home, my career and my social life after complications following an emergency surgery.

I believe that the statements made in the below referrenced article is quite simply hogwash. Opioids, muscle relaxers, anti-inflammatory medications are known to cause addiction. For example, look at Brett Favre after several injuries was admitted to rehab. And that is only one example. That does not include the thousands of patients every year that have developed addictions from currently approved pharmaceutical pain medications. Those that may not be "addicted" can also develop tolerance levels and climb their way up the pain med ladder from Vicodin to Morphine.

I fear climbing that ladder and suffer pain beyond the capabilities of my medications so that I may delay the next step. For a while, I did use marijuana to assist my pain medications. Low and behold, my Vicodin intake went from 5 tablets per day to 2-3 tablets per day. I did not smoke much, unless one considers a third of a joint per day excessive. The marijuana helped my pain threshold extend from four hours to eight to ten hours. I regained my appetite and the constant constipation sometimes leading to partial bowel obstructions caused by my approved pain medications alleviated itself. I did not influence those around me to smoke. Rather, I kept my habit to myself knowing the consequences of my actions. I am not a thief. I am not a murderer or a rapist. I am not an addict. So I do not believe that my actions constituted me to be labled as such. When my pain management clinic proposed a random drug screening I advised them of my activity before I took the test. I am not a liar. When given the standard lecture and choice - marijuana or professional medical treatment, I chose the clinic and quit smoking marijuana as an aid. Since then, the constipation, anxiety, increased pain levels, depression, libido loss, fogginess and many other known side effects have returned. If only this natural aid could be managed by my medical professionals.

Marijuana passes through the liver in 3-6 weeks. One tablet of Vicodin passes through the liver in 51 months. That is longer than my first car note. People say that marijuana is a gate way drug and this is a step towards the legalization of recreational marijuana. I would like to say to those people, if your kid is an addict, your kid is an addict. It is not the drugs fault. It is nature, it is terrible events that happen that people try to escape, it is going to happen at some point. It may begin when an appendix ruptures or wisdom teeth are pulled and they enjoy the intoxication of the Vicodin or Oxycontin. It may begin the first time you leave town and do not lock the liquor cabinet. Or it could begin at their first college party. As a parent it is your job to educate your child the risks that are involved with any drug, legal AND illegal. It is not the school's responsibility, the state's responsibility, the doctor's responsibility - it is THE PARENTS RESPONSIBILITY! It may take a village to raise a child, but that whole time the child is looking at their mother and father to lead the way.

God put every plant and animal on this earth with a purpose. Yes, marijuana is used recreationally, but it has been used for thousands of years for medicinal purposes until politics said otherwise. Men have been trying to duplicate the wonders of nature to increase the effectiveness of these God given gifts. It is how we discovered morphine, aspirin, warfarin and many other medications that not only help, but hurt so many people. Sometimes, using what we have, as it comes in nature, is the best way to administer medicine. It does not always require the need to be prescribed in a pill, syrup or syringe.

I urge people to write in support of medicinal marijuana. People suffering from cancer, spinal injuries, PTSD, nervous disorders, eating disorders are not trying to deal drugs to children. That is what is happening in the streets right now - with drug dealers who may be your next door neighbor, your child's best friend or teacher. The people who support this bill are asking for support to allow the doctors to provide them with relief that aids current medications and their side effects in a safe and legal fashion. We are people who wish to have pain relief, an appetite, calmness, relaxation, and sometimes just a bowel movement (as sad as that sounds constipation is a major side effect of many of the medications that are used to treat the people this bill will effect and that is sometimes more painful than what ails you in the first place). We know that you know someone who is suffering that may find relief by the ingestion or smoking of a natural herb. We also believe that this may put financial relief on the medical system as marijuana can be produced at a lesser dollar than the cost of current prescriptions and their required research by the FDA. Many people may be able to cancel or lessen their benefits of the Social Security Disability and Medicaid system and return to the workforce and once again become a productive member of society.

Personally, I am one who believes that those involved in big business fear the legalization of medical marijuana as it has the potential to greatly effect the pharmaceutical industry. Everyone knows that industry and politics go hand in hand. Please listen to the people. So many of which are afraid to speak out as they do not want their name on a list, yet studies show 80% of Wisconsinites privately support this bill. Our state motto is, "FORWARD". Let us do what our fore-father's wanted. Not become slaves to industry controlling politics, but move forward.

Courtney E. McMillan

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I am posting this letter hoping that someone reads it. I fear that this law, that will help so many patients and wonderful people, will be rejected. As one can tell I am passionate about this issue and have been for thirteen years. Every current events report that I did in school was for the legalization of marijuana, particularly in medicinal instances. Please, if you support this bill, I am begging you to write your assembly person, your senator, someone who is going to vote on this bill and help make a difference in the lives of over 200,000 Wisconsinites! WE NEED YOUR HELP!

A Heaven Above Heaven

I wrote this poem in December of 2008. I was in need of a love that healed. I needed a tangible comfort. I thought that I had written this plea for a lover. After a year and several months, I am wondering if maybe, just maybe, this was a call to the universe for my knight in shining armour. I have moments where I wonder if such a gentle man even exists. One who is strong, sensitive, kind, honest, not afraid to hurt my feelings with the truth, yet observant of how I feel what is being said. A lover who's touch can heal the wounds of the mind, body and soul and who's voice soothes the spaces in between. I am a romantic. Of course, despite all of my heartbreak, believe that such love still exists. The hard part is finding this person amidst the sea of careless, insensitive boys who call themselves men.

When I wrote this I wanted to be rescued from the turmoil of my so called life.

A Heaven Above Heaven (12-13-08)

Darling, come and rescue me now.

If ever I needed my knight in shining armour

Tonight I am begging - nay pleading - that you take the lead.

Rescue me to a land that is ours alone.

A land that no one can raid, or rape or pillage

I am raided, For my body is raped - my soul is pillaged - I can take no more.

Darling, come and rescue me now.

Lay me down in a field of wildflowers and let the scent of them ravish our senses

Make love to me for all the ages - In I in your arms shall never weep again.

Rescue me to a heaven above heaven!

A heaven that we share with only God alone in a soft golden light

For I need God's love and your arms around me - alas my broken heart will heal.

Darling, come and rescue me now.