True Story (02-02-09)

Where does one's true story begin?
Is it at birth?
Is it when the innocense of childhood is lost?
Is it when the reality of adulthood is discovered?
At what point do we begin?
Christian fundamentalists believe at conception.
But I believe that life and Life are two separate things.
I believe my life began at five.
That is when I started realizing how fucked up shit really is.

Sleep (02-06-09)

My bed lays empty as I am scared to sleep
The nightmares haunt me and the demons chatter in my mind
I stare into the candle flame hoping my soul will find solace
A thought that will guide me to my pillow - a divine intervention
My thoughts turn to you and I am no longer in fear of the night
I close my eyes, suddenly enclosed by your arms and I am safe
Your hushed voice whispers to my soul and I am calm
The scent of your essence lingers in my memory
I am comforted and I am at peace.
My eyes close and I dream of you.

Modern Day Cowboy (05-24-10)

I fell in love with a modern day cowboy.

The sadness of life shows in his ever changing sea eyes & is hidden by his laugh.,

He can brighten a day with his half crooked smile.

He's a roughneck by trade & gentle by nature

He sweats beads of tears as he works & plays I never know which with his wicked, wicked ways.

His body worn & broken, His soul beaten from long ago fights.

His love is emmense, but only in memory does it live long

If you aren't careful, it disappears with him at dawn.

He rides in & rides out on a steed made of steel

He is a stallion that cannot tamed, for him captivity will kill.

My modern day cowboy, with a heart painted blue

His spirit watered down with whiskey & women

If he lets his feelings show they will break him, he knows

He lassowed my heart & keeps it close to his

A secret we share, but everyone knows.

He is a dying star & the sky is his stage.

He is as free as an eagle, but he keeps himself in a cage.

He howls like the wolf upon my breast, an homage to him yet he pretends not to know.

He fears none but his own heart & is wise of the world

I hope that down deep I am placed high above the rest.

He thinks I love him for his flesh, In reality its his soul

I hope & I pray I know him in the life after this

He & his stallion will cross me past Haydes way.

His word his is honor and his honor his way.

I wasn't the first, I won't be the last.

In my heart, my modern day cowboy rides above the rest.

He is a man of men, a lover of lovers

Through the heartache & fear, he protects me from the world.

While I see a man, he sees a beast.

I love him through & through, til the bittersweet end.

My Modern Day Cowboy, I will love you until then.

White Blanket (12 - 08 - 08)

White blanket of delight

Please cover my heart tonight

Fill My Raging Caverns with your peaceful glow

Sheild my wounds with your gentle folds, high and low

White blanket of delight

Please cover my heart tonight.

Alone (11-28-08)

Alone with my senses

What shall I do

Shall I rearrange furniture

Shall I call my mother

Shall I plant a plant

What shall I do

Alone with my thoughts

What shall I do

Shall I write a book

Shall I cook a dinner for no one to eat

Shall I sell a useless gift.

What shall I do

Alone is alone

It cannot be measured

It cannot be filled

It can be changed

I shall not live alone forever

I shall cherish the lessons that alone has taught me

I shall not lose anyone else

I shall no longer be

Alone.

Beautiful Display (11-26-08)

You are my chosen one

At my side with unwavering faith.

You are strong, yet fragile - but never weak.

You strut with a pride that says you own the road,

At the same time - on the same road

Humility cloaks your every step.

The Grace of God touches your heart

Your strength and integrity is more impenetrable than stone,

but never have I known a more delicate touch,

You graze me with feather kisses so gentle and airy,

a seductive and provocative call I cannot refuse to answer

You watch over me, protect me

And with beautiful display,

Your simple truth is astonishing,

Yet complexities many.

Sins of Our Parents (12-04-09)

We blame our mothers for the sins of our fathers

Never realising that the sins are theirs alone.

To carry this load is a heavy burden.

It is a never ending path that leads nowhere just past eternity.

This leaves only dissatisfaction and sins repeated that are ours alone.

A Heaven Above Heaven (12-13-08)

A Heaven Above Heaven (12-13-08)

Darling, come and rescue me now.

If ever I needed my knight in shining armour

Tonight I am begging - nay pleading - that you take the lead.

Rescue me to a land that is ours alone.

A land that no one can raid, or rape or pillage

I am raided, For my body is raped - my soul is pillaged - I can take no more.

Darling, come and rescue me now.

Lay me down in a field of wildflowers and let the scent of them ravish our senses

Make love to me for all the ages - In I in your arms shall never weep again.

Rescue me to a heaven above heaven!

A heaven that we share with only God alone in a soft golden light

For I need God's love and your arms around me - alas my broken heart will heal.

Darling, come and rescue me now.

Moving On - Courtney Ellira McMillan (02-01-09)

Moving On - Courtney Ellira McMillan (02-01-09)

Our lives are lived apart

Yet still my blood flows through your veins.

Your pain is felt through my soul.

This game is selfish and cruel

But I feel complete compassion for no other.

What will be will be and my dreams do not end

The touch of my lover will never melt my soul

As that of my heart wrapped in your desire

The touch of a soulmate does not happen twice

It cannot be mimmicked, but I can pretend

I can love another and I can feign passion

I can live with another and I can profess contentment

The perfection of true satisfaction can not be immitated.

But does the victim of my crime know of my deceit?

I create an illusion, a mockery, an award winning performance

For in his heart he is the only one to have my affection.

I will never share that in my heart,

He is the replacement, the second choice.

His love is returned, but not with my whole heart, not with my soul.

It is a selfish claim to prevent lonliness.

It is a heartless scream that I dare not shriek.

When you see me walk with him you will see I am not in step.

When you hear me talk of him you will hear a hollow echo in my voice.

Do not judge me, please do not judge me.

This is how I survive with the hole in my heart.

At night I dream of your kiss, your caress, your love.

It keeps me moving through tomorrow.

Without this dream, My soul would surely die.

The Reveal...

I guess I've been hiding a lot lately. I have not been writing here or anywhere. I have decided to reveal more of who I am. There are days, I feel so weak, so tired that I am scared to go to sleep. I force myself to stay awake until dawn to prove that I have made it to another day. Another tomorrow. I don't have much to look forward to, but still I fight to survive in it.

Lately (and I don't know if this happens to everyone who is eternally ill), I have had this morbid feeling growing inside the pit of me. I have been trying to contact friends that I haven't seen in years that I hold dear and miss very much. I think some of the guys feel that it is a romantic pursuit. Really, I just want to hear another joke, have another beer or whatever comes our way. My romantic views have been limited to one man, even though I seek comfort with others at times. Seen as he is too conceited to realize that sometimes, just sometimes, what you have been given IS the best that there is. He is afraid that if he seizes it, it will slip through his fingers. What he doesn't realize is that letting it go is letting it slip through his fingers. But what can I say... He's a guy!

I have a hard time dating now-a-days. I've never been any good at it, but most men want to avoid the sick girl. I'm not even the kind of sick that is gross and nasty. I am just physically weak. Maybe it's just that I can (try to) out smoke, out drink and out talk most of them... Or maybe I'm just as conceited as the one I love and never give them a chance to survive in the hurricane of my life. Either way, I feel that there are only two, maybe three people that know me. I want to be known for who I am by so many more people that are in my life, but they are too busy pretending that they are happy to just accept life as it is and appreciate what is before them for the beauty that it is. I am not just talking about myself here, but life. The wind, the birds, the sunny days that seem to kiss everything but the shade, the rainy days that feed life. The music in the laughter around them, the power of the sadness that urges us to fail yet cries for us to surpass the pain. They are trapped in the societal views that they were raised in. Fail to see the world from the mountain top. We all have pivotal moments in our lives where we are at the top and God allows us to see things clearly from his view. At times, I feel that I spend more time on the mountain than on the ground. I don't want to see what I see most of the time. I don't want to see the pain, the struggles. But who can give up the grand view? Who can give up the moment when a child laughs? Who can give up the moment when you see pure joy? Who can give up the moment when they see love in a friends or lovers eye? Who can give up the moments where you know you are in love?

Either way... I guess I should publish more of what I think. I may not be heard now, but someday my words and terrible poetry may inspire someone. Who knows?